For those who have been preoccupied with a Office of Congressional Ethics investigation examining the alleged misuse of your campaign funds or with facilitating pro-NRA robo-calls to the residents of Newtown, CT, here is some of the more bizarre news from the past 24 hours:
- In a not at all ironic demonstration, more than 300,000 vocal opponents of France’s likely to be passed same-sex marriage law converged on the Champs Elysees this past Sunday to express their displeasure with what they saw as a corruption of institution itself. Protesters carried bright pink signs reading “1 Père + 1 Mère C’est Elementaire” and “Marriageophile Pas Homophobe”1 and dressed up in a wide array of costumes to illustrate their feelings during a protest that began peacefully, but erupted into violence by day’s end.One of the protest’s main organizers, a Parisian socialite who goes by the stage name Frigide Barjot, told reporters that her movement was not vanquished, proclaiming that, “It’s the second round, sir. It’s not the last battle.” Sadly, only 1 of the protestors realized the comic significance of having a bunch of French activists protest a same-sex marriage law in costume, while festooned with pink frippery and under the leadership of a woman masquerading as her Brigitte Bardot inspired stage persona. The lone self aware protester was later seen at a cafe on the rue de Abbesses nursing a half-glass of Bordeaux, muttering something under his breath about the monotonous futility of man’s avoidance of his own impermanence.
- Robert Zimmerman Jr, the brother of noted Stand Your Ground enthusiast and protector of communities from Skittle peddlers, George Zimmerman, recently caused a bit of a stir on Twitter when he posted a side-by-side picture of the young man his brother killed, Trayvon Martin, alongside an African-American suspect in the murder of a 13 month old in coastal Georgia earlier this week. In the tweet, both men are seen flipping the bird at the camera next to Zimmerman’s hash tag, #Uncanny, presumably because it’s uncanny that he anyone would ever be able to find a photo of two young black men giving the finger.Zimmerman later posted a tweet chastising the “Lib media” for failing to pose the question as to whether or not the alleged actions of these two specific black teenagers might be, “the reason ppl think blacks mightB risky”, before accusing that same media of canonizing, “blacks by referring 2them as victims.” Many news outlets tried reaching out to the “blacks” for comment, but, due to a communications mix-up, most ended up interviewing a family in Windamere, Florida whose last name was Black. Ironically, Don and Melinda Black, along with their 3 young children Luke, Lisa and Lincoln, are all white and agreed with Zimmerman that the liberal media was too nice to black folks. Don Black also remarked that he thought it was lovely to see a Hispanic family like the Zimmermans standing up for themselves and wantonly disregarding the humanity of African-Americans as our founding fathers intended.
- Liberty University, the bastion of evangelism that sprung from the elder Jerry Falwell’s fetid loins in the early seventies, has recently partnered up with former Growing Pains star and all around embarrassment Kirk Cameron to produce a 90-minute film that, if their past work is any guide, should be culturally inclusive. On the Trinity Broadcasting Network’s, “Praise The Lord”, Liberty University chancellor, Jerry Falwell Jr, heaped praise upon Cameron, citing him as the type of person Liberty wishes to produce and saying that, “We’re trying to create tens of thousands of Kirk Camerons and put them out there.”While many in the press, including The Huffington Post,2 misinterpreted this to mean that Liberty wants to foster the development of thousands of homophobic pseudo-pastors who preach that homosexuality is “ultimately destructive” and “unnatural”, Chancellor Falwell talked with me earlier and said3 that his words had been twisted. “I never said that I wanted to create tens of thousands of Kirk Camerons to replicate his ferocious opposition to homosexuality. In all honesty, I just really love the tenacity and heart the guy showed in the 1988 World Series when he limped out to the plate on a bum knee in the bottom of the ninth and just ripped that ball into the right field bleachers…just incredible.” [an assistant comes over and whispers something in Falwell’s ear] “What do you mean that wasn’t him?” [the assistant pulls up an episode of Growing Pains up on his phone before walking away] “Well I’ll be damned…apparently I was thinking of Kirk Gibson. So, I should clarify, I want Liberty University to graduate tens of thousands of Kirk Gibsons, not Kirk Camerons. That dude can get bent.
1If the cognates didn’t give them away, the two signs translate to English as “1 father + 1 mother = fundamental” & “marriagephile, not homophobe.”
3Falwell Jr didn’t tell me anything because this is all a comedic conceit devised to make this joke work. Please scurry off to your interweb caves now trolls.