What Time is it Mr. President?

President Obama has always been the unflappable one. From guiding our nation’s response to the recent attacks on our embassies to making the decision to send the Seals in after Bin Laden, he has been cool under pressure. What we have seldom seen from the President is any evidence that he can turn up the heat when he needs to. Based on his debate performance in Denver last week, you’d be forgiven for thinking someone had replaced his Diet Coke with a NyQuil smoothie backstage. To call him wooden in that debate is an insult to poor public speakers everywhere. Hell, even wood warps, as was shown by Mitt Romney’s shocking display of competence during the 1st Presidential Debate. What President Obama provided the American public with last Wednesday was sheer apathy. The man walked through that debate like he couldn’t be bothered to give a shit and showed the world that he’s not quite capable of going in for the knockout.

Entering the debate, Mitt Romney was given a 13% chance to win The White House by Nate Silver over at the NY Times’ 538 Blog. By most accounts it was all over but the crying for Romney and the debate in Denver was a formality. Obama could have hit that gutless insult to humanity with one haymaker Wednesday that would have sent him flying clear into Dukakis Territory and a syndicated show on Fox News. Instead, the President decided his ends would best be served by laying back against the ropes during the debate and giving Romney a chance to collect himself. Less than a week after the debate, the GOP challenger’s chances at victory have more than doubled according to Silver and his boys, now resting at around 29%.

Seriously, President Obama – This is the guy who might beat you?

If we’ve learned anything about Barack Obama over the past few weeks is that he’s not a closer. The man who introduced him at the Democratic National Convention is. I don’t care if you’re with the Green Party or the Tea Party, there is no denying the fact that William Jefferson Clinton takes care of his business. Switch Obama with Clinton on Wednesday night and Mitt Romney would have ended up in the fetal position on stage, pleading with Jim Lehrer to make the bad man stop. All Clinton would have to do is turn on a bit of that Arkansan charm and tell the American people that his opponent thinks an ambulance is an alright healthcare plan and he’d have a small army of seniors storming GOP headquarters in Florida by sunrise. Bill Clinton has the rare ability to tear a man’s heart out on national television and seem like a really nice guy while he’s doing it. Barack Obama does not.

Honestly, this election should have been over before it even began. Mitt Romney was the Miss Congeniality of the GOP pageant who ended up with the nomination after every other contestant was disqualified. At one point or another, Mitt trailed in the polls to Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum. That is a Mount Rushmore of political ignorance that is unparalleled in recent political history. One man couldn’t remember what departments of government he wanted to cut, but knew he wanted to cut them. Another actually said the words “Awww, Shucky-Ducky” and based part of one of his speeches on a line from a Pokemon movie. The third said that he wanted to colonize the moon and the fourth is synonymous with a viscous byproduct of anal sex. All of these men were beating Mitt Romney at some point over the past year. This is the man who is neck and neck with Barack Obama with a month left until election day?

Mitt Romney is the live-action version of The Monopoly Man. He pays a disgustingly low tax rate on millions of dollars that he acquired by sucking the marrow out of the bones of slowly dying companies. He has insisted that there is nothing shady about his financial holdings, yet has steadfastly refused to release any of his tax returns prior to 2010 when his dad, George Romney, released 12 years of returns prior to his presidential run in 1968. The man was caught on tape saying that 47% of the country consists of spoiled parasites who suck off the government tit and will never take responsibility for their lives. Romney says he’s going to reduce income taxes across the board by 20% while cutting the corporate tax rate by 40% and eliminating the estate tax and alternative minimum tax without raising the deficit, yet will give no specifics as to how he’s going to go about doing so. As a matter of fact, Romney hasn’t given many specifics on any of his plans, choosing instead to engage in broad platitudes advocating for positions that President Obama has in many cases already taken. Did I mention that he has the charm of an industrial-sized vacuum cleaner? And somehow he’s almost even with the President in the latest polls.

Mr. President, there is absolutely no reason on God’s green earth that you should lose this election. You are running against a corporate muppet who was nominated as a last resort by a party that doesn’t really care for him that much. The unemployment rate finally dipped below 8% this month and the Dow Jones recently hit its highest mark in 5 years. If you don’t win this election, you can point the finger at no one but yourself. If January 21st rolls around and you find yourself in a private jet back to the suburbs of Chicago with your family, it is because you let Mitt Romney hang around when he had no right to be anywhere near the Oval Office. I expect (not hope, expect) that when the next Presidential debate goes down at Hofstra University next week that you come of out of the green room like Mike Singletary charging out of the tunnel on game day. I want to see you do the Ray Lewis Dance on the stage and bring everyone around you before the debate starts. Get Michelle and Joe and Jill and your whole damn cabinet and get jacked the hell up for this thing. Hire Drew Brees as your personal energy consultant, I don’t care. There is only one question I want to see you answer on October 16th. You need to let the world know what time it is. It’s game time, Mr. President.

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Categories: US Politics

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