I must say it has certainly been a breath of fresh air to see that at least one corner of the professional punditry realizes the immense damage being done to this country’s moral fiber by women who insist on being productive members of society in ways not involving divesting their uteruses of millions of screamy little bundles of human capital. The recent news from the Pew Research Center that 40% of all households with children cite womenfolk as being the primary breadwinners in the family1 is appalling. Men were the ones who were foreordained by nature and the almighty creator to win a family’s bread, a fact that is underscored by the fact that an anagram of the word bread is beard, and all but the most unfortunate women cannot grow beards. This pesky insistence on the part of the second sex that they be accorded the freedom to do things outside of the home that fall beyond the purview of The Three C’s—Church, Chores and Children—is most certainly the root cause of the myriad troubles facing our nation today.
It is with this in mind that I must publicly laud the efforts of the leading lights of conservative influence over at Fox News to draw the public’s attention to gender bending atrocity, and to do so with science. As Red State Editor-in-Chief Erick Erickson so astutely pointed out last night2, “When you look at biology….the male typically is the dominant role,” while the female role is “not competing,” but complimentary. You see, and this might be a little harder for some our estrogen-infused liberal friends to understand, women are naturally predisposed to be an accessory for the virile, well-endowed men in their life. It’s just science, my friends. For instance, researchers in the United States and Sweden have found that females are the dominant species among most primates3, with female chimps being the driving forces behind evolutionary change. Now, an wrinkled communist hag might say this is evidence of the fallacy of the biological inevitability of male-dominated society, but she would be wrong—because she’s a woman. What this actually means is that monkeys are an inferior animal to humans, which is why they weakly gave in to the Feminist Chimpanzee Cabal and still sit around pulling nits out of each others fur and throwing poo all over the place. If monkeys hadn’t let women run the show, they would have grown up to be people and they wouldn’t be stuck in climate controlled cages designed to replicate their native habitat, which was actually bulldozed and turned into a Kenny Roger’s Roasters.
Now, the liberal media is probably reading all of this and preparing their puff pieces on how Fox News and all of their supporters are somehow “anti-woman.” They will bring out some disaffected, maladaptive tart with a Rosie The Riveter handkerchief on her head and an Indigo Girls song in her heart who will proceed to tell us how she doesn’t like being oppressed by “the patriarchy,” whatever the hell that means, before going to great lengths to discredit men as blathering, over-sexualized imbeciles who have stunted the growth of the female gender for millennia . Well, hypothetical feminist media lady, you can take your anti-scientific, un-American horseshit north of the border or across the pond because we don’t like your kind here. It all started when that loathsome Susan B. Anthony started convincing folk that women’s suffrage was necessary to the operation of a democratic republic. Fast forward 100 years and now women are wanting all kinds of rights that violate the natural order of things. Now we have women CEOs and women doctors and women lawyers and women politicians and women in all manner of occupations that the ovaried masses shouldn’t be doing.
Hopefully, this troubling news concerning our increasingly male breadwinner-less society is enough to wake up the people of this great nation to the unconscionable perversion of natural law that has taken place over the past few decades. No longer will we be content to sit back and allow all of our customs and mores to be steamrolled by tolerance and equity! Women may bake the bread, but they shall not make it, mainly because it makes men self-conscious and uncomfortable and we have absolutely no desire to stay at home changing poopy diapers and making baked ziti, jobs that biology tells us women are supposed to do. So, fight on you Erick Ericksons and Lou Dobbses4, fight against the occupational accomplishments of the other sex and for the glorification of betesticled, while never forgetting the old battle cry of brother bear, No Girls Allowed!
4I have no idea how to make Dobbes plural and I feel like I’m probably the first person to try.